When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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