...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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