My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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