FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
