You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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