By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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