My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
