Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
And then my night got REAL pukey
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
