I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
