Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
