i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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