so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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