it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
