Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
