i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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