Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
