A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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