I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I am one with the molecules
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
