i would punch a child for taco bell
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Your cock deserves a montage
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
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