my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You are the jesus of drinking
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
