my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
