I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
