I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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