I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
