Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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