Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
