you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
