none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
