The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
