yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
