Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
