i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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