god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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