did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
