If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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