i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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