I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
