She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
