I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
