apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize