Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
