I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
