oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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