PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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