i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
