i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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