Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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