Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
