Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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