Can i not drive my cunt home
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
