Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
