Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
