so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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