just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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