You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
