I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
