So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
