Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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