If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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