she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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