i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
