nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
