i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize