So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
