YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
