i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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