The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
