yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize