i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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