Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
