i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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